Life's a Beech...

I hate not being able to sleep. I am usually a great sleeper. Good with naps, sleeping in the car, sleeping in class... not so much right now. I even wake up from a good afternoon nap after an hour! I know. Disgraceful. What I hate more than no sleeping is waking up and laying in bed for 2 hours thinking I might go back to sleep. That's so wasteful. I could have spent those 2 hours doing s omething productive. I think the waking up is a physical discomfort issue but the staying awake is a mental issue. My mind pretty much races about some things that matter and alot of things that don't. What does matter?

• What is this baby's name going to be? I don't remember worrying about Lennox's name but maybe I just don't remember. I was confident that his name would start with an H. So confident that I almost had his bedding monogrammed. Harrison, Houston, Hayes, Haynes... all were on the short list. Lennox? Not so much. Maybe I need to develop some false confidence in what this new baby's name will be. Even if it doesn't end up being her name... at least maybe I could sleep.
• How is Lennox going to react to this new sister business? I know he is sick of hearing about her but I am desperate to see some sign in his face that he actually might want her around. I know he is only 2 so he doesn't really get what's going on but I am still desperate! I told him how mommy and daddy were going to the hospital this weekend to pick up the baby and he just kept laughing like I was telling a funny story... shaking his head and laughing saying "NOOoooo Mommy!" Sort of like I was telling him something unbelievable. Well, son, you need to believe it! ha. He is really my primary concern... as he should be. Right? I am not worried about the delivery but more "how fast can I get out of there to be with Lennox." I realize that doesn't' seem fair to the new baby (see how having a name would be great right now). I know everything will change once I have her but right now I'm talking about my current worries and sleep problems.
• Am I a bad mom for having a baby so soon? I know, 2 years and 3 months isn't that close together. But, if you saw what I saw in Lennox's face, you too would know he is still very much a baby. I hope I am not robbing him of time he needed to be our only one. I swear, does this guilt ever subside? I can't even think about him without crying. I know... it's a little late to think of all of this.
• I am also worried about school, work, whether my stupid application for PA school will be processed by the deadline.... the usual.

Yesterday was my last official doctor visit. I was planning to go to the hospital on Friday night but they threw a kink in my plans. My options? Switch hospitals and go in Friday night as planned. No thank you. Show up last night (the day of my appt) at my scheduled hospital. NO THANKS! Show up tonight or Sunday night at my hospital. I opted for Sunday night. While I am very tired of being pregnant, I did want to spend one more weekend with just Lennox. I did notice that there is a full moon Friday night so maybe I will go into labor on my own... ha. as if!