I hate not being able to sleep. I am usually a great sleeper. Good with naps, sleeping in the car, sleeping in class... not so much right now. I even wake up from a good afternoon nap after an hour! I know. Disgraceful. What I hate more than no sleeping is waking up and laying in bed for 2 hours thinking I might go back to sleep. That's so wasteful. I could have spent those 2 hours doing s omething productive. I think the waking up is a physical discomfort issue but the staying awake is a mental issue. My mind pretty much races about some things that matter and alot of things that don't. What does matter?

• What is this baby's name going to be? I don't remember worrying about Lennox's name but maybe I just don't remember. I was confident that his name would start with an H. So confident that I almost had his bedding monogrammed. Harrison, Houston, Hayes, Haynes... all were on the short list. Lennox? Not so much. Maybe I need to develop some false confidence in what this new baby's name will be. Even if it doesn't end up being her name... at least maybe I could sleep.
• How is Lennox going to react to this new sister business? I know he is sick of hearing about her but I am desperate to see some sign in his face that he actually might want her around. I know he is only 2 so he doesn't really get what's going on but I am still desperate! I told him how mommy and daddy were going to the hospital this weekend to pick up the baby and he just kept laughing like I was telling a funny story... shaking his head and laughing saying "NOOoooo Mommy!" Sort of like I was telling him something unbelievable. Well, son, you need to believe it! ha. He is really my primary concern... as he should be. Right? I am not worried about the delivery but more "how fast can I get out of there to be with Lennox." I realize that doesn't' seem fair to the new baby (see how having a name would be great right now). I know everything will change once I have her but right now I'm talking about my current worries and sleep problems.
• Am I a bad mom for having a baby so soon? I know, 2 years and 3 months isn't that close together. But, if you saw what I saw in Lennox's face, you too would know he is still very much a baby. I hope I am not robbing him of time he needed to be our only one. I swear, does this guilt ever subside? I can't even think about him without crying. I know... it's a little late to think of all of this.
• I am also worried about school, work, whether my stupid application for PA school will be processed by the deadline.... the usual.

Yesterday was my last official doctor visit. I was planning to go to the hospital on Friday night but they threw a kink in my plans. My options? Switch hospitals and go in Friday night as planned. No thank you. Show up last night (the day of my appt) at my scheduled hospital. NO THANKS! Show up tonight or Sunday night at my hospital. I opted for Sunday night. While I am very tired of being pregnant, I did want to spend one more weekend with just Lennox. I did notice that there is a full moon Friday night so maybe I will go into labor on my own... ha. as if!

A Beating...

That's what my self esteem takes on a daily basis! ha. Ok, I'm joking. I can handle this mom business. Today after I picked up Lennox, we laid down to take a nap. Lennox was flopping and crying and trying to get up. I just nicely asked if he wanted me to sing him a song. His response? No, it wasn't just "no" or "no thanks mommy!" His response was "NO! Because that's what makes me sick... no sing song!" ah hahahaha... I couldn't stop laughing. I mean, really? It makes you sick?! ha.

"Lennox, If you eat your meat you will get big muscles." - me
"Yeah, you will get big muscles like Pop." - my dad while making a muscle
"Pop have tiny muscles."- Lennox

"I sorry rain. I porgot my umbrewwa!" - Lennox while getting out at school in the rain (I don't think the rain cared that he forgot his umbrella

"I sorry daddy. I didn't bite you. I sorry. I will kiss it. I didn't bite you, ants bite you. You peel better now." - Lennox shaking his head and caring for the 3 mosquito bites on Jay's neck.

"Lennox, take that pacifier out of your mouth! Pacifiers are for babies, not big boys." - me after Lennox found a pacifier in the baby's room and thought it was his new best friend. "Lennox, do you want to be a baby?"
"Yes, I'm a baby"- Lennox, still sucking pacifier.
"Ok, I will have to get a bottle for you... baby." - me, thinking that he would say no.
"Ok, I want a bottle. I'm a baby." - Lennox, still sucking pacifier.
"Ok, well, if you want to be a baby you have to sleep in a baby bed." - me (threatening the crib)
"Ok. I want to sleep in a baby bed." - Lennox. "I want a baby and a bottle."
hmmm.... I think I need a new tactic. This one is definitely not working. This is going to be a difficult transition.

So it looks like I will have a new baby on or before October 23... definitely not after. How exciting. Really, it will be. Once I get my mind wrapped around it, I am sure I will be ecstatic. I am still torn about being induced. I am really hoping I will have the baby on my own around Wednesday or Thursday of next week. I don't really want to keep waiting though because I have to go back to work after Christmas regardless of how old the baby is by then. I know my body should tell me when I'm ready but I am on a schedule!! Also, I will feel more comfortable knowing that I have Lennox situated ahead of time. I am REALLY feeling the guilt about him not being the baby anymore. You see (above) what he said last night. He really wants to be a baby. I asked him why he wanted to be a baby and he said "because I can't get a baby." Not sure what that means. Jay and I were just hanging a mirror and some canvases on the wall in the baby's room and Lennox just wanted to "hold you." Yes, we are in for a rough time I believe.

I am off of work this week and next. That's kind of exciting but I also feel guilty about that. I'm sure that guilt will fade quickly. My doctor said I shouldn't be commuting and I gained 6 lbs in a week. I'm assuming that's fluid? :) I think the steady flow of tears at my appointment tipped her off that I need a break! I couldn't help myself. I was having a bad, bad day and the hormones were only enhancing the emotional breakdown! Ahhh well, it passed.

Updates

• I went to my appointment yesterday, with Lennox in tow, and he was so good! I left him in the stroller outside of the bathroom door (with the nurse) and he was telling some stranger lady that I was peepeeing in the restroom. While I was listening to her, I forgot my mission and peed in the toilet instead of the cup. Since Lennox was being good, the nurse told him he could have 2 suckers. When my doctor came in, he insisted that she give over the 2 suckers... I don't think she is normally in the business of dispensing suckers. Anyway, he got his 2 suckers! I also lost 2 more lbs. 4lbs in 3 weeks doesn't seem right but the doctor wasn't concerned, so I'm not either. Apparently the baby's head is very very low. Thus the trouble with sitting in a chair.
• I am pretty sure this will be my last week at work... it's legit... the sitting in the chair is hard!
• I took the GRE Saturday. WHEW! It was so not easy! I did ok, nothing to brag about, but good enough. I think if I ever take it again, I will review some material first.
• The weather has been so perfect here. I LOVE this time of year! Who wouldn't? Lennox and I have spent some time outside digging in the sand, making mountains for his trucks, hitting the ball off the tee, swinging, and running. Ok, so I watched him run.
• Last night Lennox said that he had to go home (we were at home) so I said, ok, see you later. He waved and walked to the hallway. A few minutes later he came back and announced that he was back. Where did he go? The football game! He then told us all about what happened there. Funny little imagination. I love that kid!
• Jay almost didn't survive the night last night. I was up late studying so I finally went to sleep a little before midnight. He woke me up about 1:20 when he went to the bathroom. Ok, I understand that people need to use the bathroom... I am pregnant. I know how it is. So, after I finally went back to sleep about 2, he politely tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I could sleep on the other side of the bed because his back hurt. WHAT?! His back hurt? I was completely astounded. Try on strapping 25lbs of fluid to your abdomen. Don't talk to me about a back hurting! I was so mad. So, about 3 I finally went to sleep on the couch. My alarm goes off at 4:15. I was not happy. I got up at 6:20.
• Last week I left work early to pick Lennox up from school. I was kind of excited that I was getting to pick him up because I never get to do it. I waited my turn, pulled up to the door, got out as the teacher was leading him to the car. He promptly threw himself down on the sidewalk and started crying. NOOOOo! I want Aunt Debbie! I need Aunt Debbie. I miss her. No, go way. Aunt Debbie!!! Then he wouldn't get into the carseat the teacher was just looking at me like I did something horrible. I just laughed it off but it kind of hurt my feelings. After I forcibly strapped him into the carseat, he continued to cry for Aunt Debbie! I miss her. I've lost her!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. Geez... can you say D-R-A-M-A?

Big Scary Alligator

Last night Lennox was yelling "Mommy! MOmmy!" from the shower so I ran to see what was wrong. He was standing in the doorway of the shower (he knows not to get out b/c it is very slippery) saying "Mommy! Dat awigator care me!" I asked what alligator he was talking about and he said "Dat big carey awigator was in the shower... I wanna hold you!" I picked him up and asked where the alligator went because I didn't see it. He pointed to the corner of the shower (which is completely sealed) and said "it just weft right dere." Later we said his prayers and I asked him who he wanted to pray for. His response? Aunt Debbbie. Erica. And "dat big carey awigator care me." ha. The power of the imagination cracks me up! He is dead set that there was an alligator in the shower. I didn't try to talk him out of it. We did pray that God would help him understand that even if he saw the alligator in the shower again, it wouldn't bite. What else do you do?

Random Thoughts

• I will be 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I have gained about 19 lbs. I don't think I will make it to my due date. I really don't. I would love to make it 2 more weeks. That would be excellent. Maybe even 3 more weeks. I think next week will be my last week of work. I can work, it's not that. I just can't sit this long. Not at my desk. I feel like my hips are being pulled apart. Plus, working 40 hours and commuting 10+ hours is just not leaving enough time in my day to get things done. Important things. I did clean my house really well this weekend. Now, if we can only maintain... which is our biggest challenge. I washed almost all of the baby's clothes. I have to hang a few things on the wall in the nursery. I need a lamp and table. My mother in law said she needs me to give her a weekend to go shopping so she can buy them. Ok... That's so nice. But. That's SO not going to happen. I barely have time to turn around much less spend the day shopping.
• We still haven't thought of a name for this baby. We don't even discuss it. If something doesn't magically come to me when I see her, I am going to be highly disappointed!
• Lennox kept telling me that baby sister could not live with us. Now he has agreed that she can indeed live with us and people can come to visit her. He can also climb into her crib and jump around. He lays down like he is a sleeping baby and declares that he wants to sleep in a crib. He also said he is going to rescue baby sister from her bed. PLEASE tell me that doesn't mean he is going to attempt to throw her or carry her out of the crib on his own. Please God, don't let that happen when my back is turned. Scary!
• My friends and family are so incredibly sweet and thoughtful. They invited me to a Pampered Chef party on Monday night and it turned out to be a surprise shower for the baby. It was so nice but I have a major issue with the "2nd shower." It just makes me feel greedy because people were so generous when I had Lennox. I don't want anyone to buy me more thing but they did it for me anyway and I really do appreciate everyone's thoughtfulness. That was my first surprise party and I seriously had no clue! I will post pictures soon.
• Has a baby ever actually kicked it's way through a woman's abdomenal wall? Just wondering. I think I may go down in history.
• So, my "must get this done" list before the baby arrives is slowly getting checked off. I am 1/2 way through my application with an ECD of Saturday. I did some shadowing this weekend at Urgent Care. I have requested all of my transcripts. I have requested all of my references (including the extremely painful process of asking a person I barely know to write one). I am not making much progress on my class. Oh well. I will get to it. I am taking the GRE on Saturday and I am NERVOUS! I opened the review book, this week... because that's how I do things... and it is not quite as easy as I had imagined. My sister asked me why I do this to myself. This, meaning, procrastinate to the very last minute and then spin myself up into a whirlwind of worry and stress only to come crashing down into tears for days on end. Well, that's me. That's how I have always been. That's probably how I will always be. I have always pulled it out in the end but I must say, that is getting more and more difficult. This PA school process maybe the biggest failure yet.
  

26 months

This month Lennox's imagination has gone wild. For a long time he has barked like a dog or ooo-oo--ahh-ahhed like a monkey but now he pretends he is the dog. He was crawling around in the shower yesterday saying "I'm a puppy dog" and he was panting and pawing the ground. The other day he put a blanket around his head and said "Wook... I'm a wion! RRRRROOOOOAAARRR! Wion care me!" ha. So I took the opportunity to make him lots of different animals with the blanket. His favorite is the Diplodocus. Apparently all you have to do is tuck the blanket in your diaper and run around and eat grass to be a Diplodocus!! Who knew? Good thing I'm about to save some money on Halloween costumes... I'll just throw a blanket on his head and let him imagine he is whatever he wants to be. :) Lucky me. Also, at night when he wants me to sing and I'm all tapped out I ask what he wants me to sing. He has been saying "sing dat back hoe, bulldozer song." Ok, I don't know a back hoe song so I tell him to sing it. He makes up his own little song with a tune and words... it mostly goes something like La-La--- A backhoe_----Bulldozer---digging dirt---dump truck - lala--- dumping----lala. Pretty huh?

This month he is really into hiding too. He likes to hide under the covers or in the cabinets. He thinks no one sees him or knows where he is "hiding." It's pretty cute. He also likes for us to hide and jump out to scare him. I think that could be slightly damaging, especially when Jay hides in the closet of a dark room, but he keeps laughing!

He is doing really good with the potty. I am hoping one day he will just stop going in the diaper. Is that an effective potty training method? Probably not. I hope while I am home on maternity leave I can really buckle down and get rid of the diapers. Maybe.

He loves school so much and has only gotten in a few scuffles. One child did go home with marks but his teacher swears Lennox was just defending himself and his property (a pot from the play kitchen). Not that it is ok to use force to defend yourself... I don't condone that. But I would probably do the same thing if someone came and took my pot. Especially if they hit me in the head with it!

He loves to paint more than anything in the world. Maybe even more than he loves dirt and shaving cream in the shower. He was introduced to paint at school and that's all she wrote. He wants to paint everything, anything, more paint, more stuff to paint, paint all day. Hopefully he will be creative. He also likes to draw. His specialties are "roads" (known to some as scribble) and zig zags. We are working on circles and sometimes he ends up with something that looks like a football... which pleases him to no end. He draws big roads and tiny roads and mama roads and daddy roads. When his roads are complete he would like for you to draw any number of heavy equipment on his road. Then he can draw the dirt in the back hoe or dump truck or whatever you may have the talent to draw. My talent ends with those two and bull dozers. He never gets tired of drawing... or asking you to draw. He is a bit like me with the markers too. If they don't work like they did the day they were opened, they are "not working" and go in the trash. That can be an expensive habit but who likes to draw with markers that skip?! Not me. Not Lennox either.

He has started counting again. There were a couple of months that he refused to count. He counts to twenty but there are only about 16 numbers between 1 and 20.

So, I think that's about it for this month. He may have grown a little taller... or maybe it's wishful thinking. I think he is definitely heavier... or I am weaker. Either way, I'll have to check that for sure and update. So 26 months is a really fun age. I can't believe how big he is and how perceptive he is... Of course I think he is just too smart but don't all of us think that about our kids?!